


I'm Always Tired, but Never of You

by Mary_Jane_Austin



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Abortion, Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Break Up, College, Domestic Violence, Drinking, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Eating Disorders, F/M, Fame, M/M, Miscarriage, Money, Past Relationships, Trigger Warnings, fiance, mentions of mpreg, potential eating disorders, professional volleyball, young adult au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:18:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8804104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_Jane_Austin/pseuds/Mary_Jane_Austin
Summary: Semi’s standing in the living room, hands folded across his chest when Keiji walks in. His face appears calm, but his tone suggests a level of anger beyond comprehension. “Did you have fun with your ex?” he asks.
  "Excuse me?" Or Keiji's tragic relationship with Semi is already complicated enough and then Tooru slides back into his life and attempts to confuse him even more.





	1. We Don't Talk Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first story and I'm both excited an nervous. I've been obsessed with Haikyuu lately so my first story had to star Keiji and Oikawa! I love them. (I love Semi too I swear!) I want to go ahead and ask everyone to read the tags. There are **trigger warnings**. If anything else needs to be tagged let me know!

**_"I just heard you've found the one you've been looking, that you've been looking for. I wish I would've known that wasn't me."_**

***

He should've known his luck would run out eventually.

He's been in Tokyo a few months shy of a year and managed to avoid Oikawa Tooru up until now, but of course there’s a time and a place for everything. Apparently Keiji’s time is today... 

_Right now_... 

In the frozen food section of the grocery store. He hasn't seen Tooru—at least in person—in over four years. He’d hoped to keep it that way. 

Seeing him on TV in matches and interviews was more than enough. He hated seeing him on magazine covers. He'd been so pissed when his face popped up on a cereal box last year, he stopped eating cereal altogether. The world knew him as Oikawa Tooru, this talented, charismatic, professional volleyball setter with a face to rival any model’s and the skills to win numerous Olympic Games and league titles. To them, he was volleyball’s golden boy. To Keiji, he was a problematic ex who, when they'd cut ties all those years ago, he’d had assumed would stay in the past where he belonged. 

He assumed wrong. 

Keiji turns into the next aisle and hopes he can just avoid him during his trip. He only stopped in the store to grab one thing and he's not really looking to make small talk. Oikawa’s always been kind of a talker. He can go on and on, which is perfect for a celebrity but not so much for Keiji, who was always much better at observing things than talking about them. So much has happened. He doesn't want to explain the ring on his finger. He damn sure doesn't want to talk about the fading purple marks he’s trying to cover up on his arms or the extra twenty pounds around his waist. He doesn't want to talk about his job—the one that doesn’t involve volleyball—and especially not his fiancé. He’s not ashamed. All things considered, he's actually doing quite well for himself. He just has no interest in explaining any of his life decisions to Tooru. Not that it matters what he wants because fate has a way of stepping in regardless. 

“Keiji-chan? Is that you?” He hears from behind him.

 _Keiji-chan? Really?_ Still with the nicknames. Keiji hates himself for actually liking the way it rolls of Tooru’s tongue just as smoothly as it did all those years ago. Tooru's the only person who ever called him that and Keiji doesn’t think he’d let anyone else use the nickname even if they tried. In his mind he struggles between being formal or informal before he finds himself involuntarily spewing, “Tooru?”

His ex smiles and his eyes light up like a damn Christmas tree. It looks good. _He_ looks good. Keiji sees him on TV all the time now, but it’s not the same as seeing someone in person. Tooru's still built of lean muscle yet somehow less lanky than a few years back. He's nowhere near as bulky as some of the other pros like Ushijima or Azumane though, not that that's a bad thing. He's still similar in a lot of ways too. Like his hair, which is as perfectly coiffed as ever. Much like Keiji, he's simply wearing sweats but they look good hanging just slightly below his hip bones. He notes that Tooru's even wearing the glasses he used to swear made him look dorky despite Keiji swearing he liked them. It's like nothing's really changed for Tooru and it makes him just a little bit jealous, if not just a tad bitter.

“What are you doing here?” 

Keiji raises his basket, gesturing towards it. It's empty right now but still he says, “Grocery shopping.” 

Tooru’s laugh is as melodic as ever. “Well _obviously_. I meant what are you doing here, in Tokyo.” 

_Duh. Of course that's what he meant._ “Oh. I moved here a few months ago.” 

“Work?” 

“Not exactly.” As a free lance computer programmer and web designer, Keiji could work from anywhere, as in anywhere but Tokyo. He doesn’t say that but Oikawa’s expectant stare makes it clear he's waiting for further explanation. He sighs. This is the first of many topics he didn’t want to address. “I ugh…I moved here with my fiancé, for work...so that he could take over one of the branches of his father’s company.”

Tooru's eyes immediately shoot to his left hand, making it clear he’s only focused on one part of that statement. He squints and stares just a little too long before forcing a smile. “Fiancé huh? He's a lucky guy.” 

Keiji's never really been a confrontational person, but Tooru always has this way of ruffling his feathers unintentionally. Sure, it's meant to be a compliment. It's just hard to take it as one considering the history the two of them have and the way their relationship ended. He has to fight the urge to reply with a “fuck you” and actually be a civil, rational human being. 

“Thank you,” he offers instead, “I'm pretty lucky myself.” 

“Of course.” 

Keiji hopes that Tooru will just go away now—pretend he never saw him. They'll never see each other again and just live separate lives. His ex isn't a bad person—quite the opposite actually. He just has a way of making Keiji’s life complicated in the best and worst ways possible. When Tooru’s around, his heart and his head are in constant opposition and he can't stand not being in control of either. The concept of loving someone so much it hurts sounds ridiculous and almost sadistic until it happens to you. It's like Tooru turns him into a masochist. 

Their romance was an amazing three and half year whirlwind and their breakup, though tragic and heartbreaking, was mutual. Keiji can't say he's ever felt for someone else what he felt for Tooru but if he's learned anything, it's that love isn't the only factor in a relationship. 

Sometimes love just isn't enough. 

“Well since you live here in town, we should catch up sometime.” 

_No,_ they shouldn't. He knows It won't lead to anything good. Not when Tooru’s still clearly just as sweet— _and attractive_ —as ever. Things are already a little confusing at home. He’d like to think he's a strong willed person but no one is strong when they're vulnerable. The last thing Keiji needs right now is the only other person he’s ever loved to come in and muddy the waters. 

He knows he should say no, but he says yes anyway. Tooru's presence always seems to turn him into a passive idiot. If Keiji was keeping a list, it would be one of the top five reasons he hoped to never see him again in his life. 

Tooru smiles as if relieved, like he expected Keiji to say anything other than yes. As if anyone could turn down the most popular athlete in Japan? Keiji’s sure the only reason they haven’t been bombarded by adoring fans is because they’re in one of the higher end grocery stores in one of Japan's more expensive areas. You have to have a certain amount of money or clout to even know about this place, let alone afford to shop here. These people aren’t enamored by celebrities. If Keiji was smart he would’ve gone to a cheap corner store somewhere. 

“Is your number still the same?”

“You still have it?” he asks incredulously. He just assumed by now he would've deleted it. He'd damn sure deleted Tooru's and anything related to him years ago. 

“Of course I do.” 

Keiji wants to tell him that's fucking creepy. 

He blushes and nods instead. 

***

_“Where were you?”_

It’s the first thing he hears when he walks into the door. Not a ‘hi’ or ‘how was your day?’ Lately it’s like Keiji can't even breathe without it being a problem. After seeing Tooru, a fight is the last thing he wants right now, but probably all he's going to get. 

His fiancé’s seated at the kitchen island reading over what looks like a report of some sort. Keiji doesn’t even pretend to understand what exactly Eita Industries does—something involving energy manufacturing and finance. All he knows is that whatever it is, it’s important and it makes the Eita family more money than any of them could spend in several lifetimes. 

It’s also demanding. At least it must be because Semi seems to come home stressed and tired more often than not. Even now, he’s ruffling his blonde hair with his hand and glaring at his papers so hard they could catch fire at any second. The whisky sitting next to him is also a dead giveaway. 

He's probably drunk, or at least on his way, so Keiji keeps his answer brisk. “Grocery store.” 

Semi’s sharp look demands to know why without ever saying a word. 

“Ice cream.”

“I didn't think ice cream was part of your diet.” While Semi might have mentioned something about a diet and hiring a chef, Keiji might have _'forgotten'_ to get around to it. The last thing he cared about after what they'd been through these last few months was his weight. He thought his fiancé might be a little more understanding, but Semi was so wrapped up in how people perceived him as the heir to Eita Industries, he obviously didn't care.

Keiji rolls his eyes and decides to play dumb. “I wasn't aware I was on a diet.” 

Semi’s eyes narrow, staring at him as if he's stupid. “Of course you are. Baby weight is only an acceptable excuse for being overweight for so long.” 

“I'm pretty sure baby weight is only referred to as such if the pregnancy actually results in a baby.” 

As soon as the words leave his mouth, the air around them tenses. Semi’s chest rises and falls with a loud exhale. Keiji knows he's upset because he actually takes the time to set down his work reports and his cup. “There _was_ a baby.” 

“Well where is it?” He asks, sparking the very fight he thought he wanted to avoid. Tooru used to get under his skin in a way that was irritating because it always so innocent. Semi just has a way of infuriating him because he wants to be a dick. Keiji knew before the comment left his mouth it was a low blow—to both of them really. He doesn't care. 

_"She. Where is _she?_ " Semi corrects, "And you know where." _

_"Whatever."_

“Jesus Christ Keiji, not tonight. I'm getting tired of talking about her; and point is, I'm getting tired of looking at you when you look like _that_. You can't carry a child okay? So suck it up and stop carrying around the weight from one. It's a turnoff.” 

Keiji's blow was low, but Semi’s is damn near crushing. They both know that his inability to carry a child to term is a sensitive subject. It's the reason they've both been on edge as of late. Keiji's been pregnant three times since they’ve been together and he's managed to lose the baby all three times. The first time, when he miscarried, was early in their relationship. It was emotionally devastating, but Semi was much more understanding back then. They weren't ready for children anyway. When they finally were, it took Keiji months to conceive again and when he did…well, he lost that one too. His doctors couldn't explain it. It was like his body couldn't handle it. Sometimes it just happened. 

The last and most recent time, they'd done everything to ensure he would carry to term—the best doctors and specialists, bed rest, he'd stopped working. Money was not a factor. He carried their daughter for almost six months. It was the longest pregnancy he'd ever had and they thought this would finally be the baby to make it…but they lost her too. Out of all his pregnancies, it had been the hardest. The first time he felt her move, he cried. One day their daughter was wiggling and kicking and healthy but the next, nothing. Keiji delivered a stillborn at twenty-three weeks. Physically, she was there but it still hurt more than any previous break up or miscarriage. The one thing he wanted more than anything had been dangled right in his face only to be ripped away. 

He couldn’t even bring himself to hold her despite the encouragements from doctors, friends and family. Semi held her. He was a lot stronger than Keiji during the ordeal. He’d made all the decisions where Keiji couldn’t even look at her. It had the worst day of his entire life. It took weeks for him to bring himself to function again—to interact with people, get back to work, leave the house. He was still hurting. They both were and it always seemed to manifest itself in anger. 

“If you find me so revolting, leave me then. I don't care.” 

Keiji might not have cared, but judging by the way he shot up from his stool, Semi did. His hand flew up to Keiji’s face and he dug his index finger into his jaw, forcing their eyes to meet. Keiji wanted to tell him to let go but Semi’s grip was deadly and it wasn't smart to challenge him when he was drinking. After an intimidatingly intense stare-down, Semi released his face and rolled his eyes. “Stop being so melodramatic. I couldn't leave you even if I wanted to. It would create a scandal and our families would have a fit.” 

Just wanting to be with Keiji isn't enough of a reason to stay, no. It's the public backlash of calling off the engagement that keeps his fiancé around. 

“We’re stuck together, whether you still love me or not. I love you, but I will not have some sorry excuse for a fiancé constantly embarrassing me. So you're a failure at conceiving. We’ll probably have to adopt. I can get over that eventually. What I can't get over is you completely shutting down and letting yourself go.” 

Keiji turns his face from Semi’s. Instead of defending himself—yelling that he’s still not over it and might not be for a while. It wouldn't help and he knows that. He has his way of dealing with things, whether that be shutting down or whatever else. Semi has his way--drinking instead of admitting that he's hurting and trying to forcibly move on. 

_“Well maybe I'll stop eating when you stop drinking. I don't remember signing up to marry an alcoholic but yet here I am.”_

Semi glares, teeth grinding and it’s obvious he’s fighting back the urge to completely explode. Despite his harsh words and tone before now, this is still surprisingly calm for him. It’s probably because he isn't actually drunk yet. He has a habit of drinking more than he should. Keiji’s very much aware of that even if Semi refuses to acknowledge it. He said once that drinking problems run in his family, but it's not something the public knows about the Eita family. Semi’s far too proud and perfect to admit that maybe after they'd lost the second baby, he started to develop an issue too. The subject was touchy and Keiji knew bringing it up would only infuriate him. They were quite the pair—a closet drunk and an emotional eater. 

Maybe they were perfect for each other? 

“Yeah, here you are,” Semi repeats, “And you're never going anywhere.” 

They both know Semi’s right. Their families are far too invested for either of them to leave. Even before the rings had been bought or wedding venues and caterers had been booked, it was obvious their parents were expecting them to be together in the long run for no other reason than selfish business purposes. The first time Semi had struck him in a fit of drunken rage sometime after losing their third baby, Keiji had run home to his parents. He was sporting a black eye swollen so bad, he couldn't open it for over a week. His mother had cried but still held her tongue as his father berated him for leaving. 

__“Your fiance's under a lot of pressure and you're lucky to be with him. Maybe if you could give him a child, he wouldn't get so angry?”_ _

They forced him to go back home that night. 

Semi gives him one last look of disgust as he watches Keiji grab a spoon from the kitchen and head for the bedroom. They'll spend the rest of the evening alone before crawling into bed and pretending they’re not still upset. 

It isn't until Keiji’s sitting in bed, Netflix queued up and ice cream in his lap, that he checks his phone. He has a few missed texts, mostly Koutarou and Shouyou, but those don't catch is eye. The only one he sees is the one from Tooru. 

__‘I'm glad I ran into you today! I was wondering if you were free for coffee this week to catch up?’_ _

As much as Keiji hates ripping open old wounds, anything sounds better than being at home, especially on a Saturday. It's not as if he _enjoys_ fighting with Semi on any day of the week, but most Saturdays Semi’s off and he would rather not take any chances. As he turns off the TV and slides off his ring, he contemplates all the reasons he shouldn't go. They mostly involve Semi getting upset but it's not as if he has to tell him anyway. 

He quickly types, _‘I'm free tomorrow’_ , and he might actually be looking forward to going. 

*** 

“If I'm being completely honest, I didn't think you were gonna say yes,” Tooru laughs, blushing as if he’s actually embarrassed. As far as Keiji remembers, nothing could embarrass Tooru, at least no guy could. 

“Well, if I'm being honest, I didn’t think I would either.” Selfish as it may sound, if he and Semi hadn’t gotten into that fight last night, he probably wouldn’t have. 

Tooru’s face falls but he covers it up by pulling his cup off the table and swirling his straw around the rim. The whipped topping blends into the liquid in unappealing looking lumps. Keiji still doesn't understand his fascination with frozen, sugary lattes, but clearly nothing has changed. He always gets a black coffee with no sugar and no cream. Something about adding anything else always seems to ruin the natural flavor. 

“Well I'm glad you didn't turn me down. What made you change your mind?” 

He feels guilty admitting the real reason so he decides lying is better for both his ego and Tooru's. “I thought it would be stupid not to come over something that happened over four years ago.” 

They share a soft smile over the tops of their cups. For a second it feels like nothing's changed—like they're still just two college students together grabbing coffee on campus. Before Tooru was a famous volleyball player and Keiji was engaged to the heir of a multi-million dollar company. He almost misses it. _Almost._

“So…tell me, what have you been up to?” prompts Tooru. It’s the most obvious catching up question when you're not sure what to say, but the way he leans his chin in his hand, he looks genuinely interested. 

Keiji knew what ‘catching up’ entailed but he’s still not really interested in sharing his life—just getting out of the house for a while. He thought it would be relaxing but they probably should’ve chosen to hang out somewhere a little less out in the open. The first ten minutes of their time together is spent watching Tooru sign people’s coffee cups and pose for pixelated cell phone photographs. 

“I went into free-lance programming and web design. It's not very exciting.” 

“I know. It wasn't exciting when we were in college either.” 

He can't help but laugh. When they were together so many nights were spent sitting in their dorm rooms with Tooru watching weird tv documentaries and Keiji typing away on his computer. He was usually finishing up a programming assignment. Tooru used to complain, joke that Keiji was just going to end up playing professional volleyball anyway so he could put down his computer for a few minutes. It's a good thing he didn't. 

“Of course you thought that. You barely payed attention in any of your own classes.” 

“I payed attention in my _all_ of my astronomy electives.” He places a hand on his chest, feigning offense. 

“That's because you have some weird obsession with space and alien conspiracy theories.” 

Tooru smirks, looking away and rolling his eyes for dramatic effect, “It won't be so weird when I'm right.” 

“I promise I'll personally apologize should there ever be an alien invasion,” he laughs. This coffee date isn't going as bad as he thought despite the persistent glares from teenage girls and other adoring fans in the shop. Tooru hardly seems to notice. Keiji wonders if he's ignoring the stares and points or if he's just used to it by now. “I see you haven't given up your two loves, sci fi and volleyball.” 

“Three, if you count yourself,” shrugs Tooru as casually as if relaying the weather forecast and Keiji can practically feel his heart sink in his chest. 

He wants to scream _‘don't do this!’ Not here. Not now._ It's been years. Keiji can only imagine the number of people he's slept with. He's seen Tooru in magazines and at events with a number of dates. People who are probably much more interesting and attractive than him. It crossed Keiji's mind that maybe Tooru was still vaguely interested in him when they saw each other the day before but he chalks it up to nostalgia more than anything. He's just familiar. Keiji has Semi and Tooru can have anyone he wants. 

_“I told you I was engaged.”_

“And I respect that,” he pauses with a smirk that suggests he’s more than likely lying, but it sounds nice. “It doesn't mean I can't still have feelings for you. I haven't stopped thinking about you since college.” 

He’s not sure if he should feel flattered. While on one hand, this _is_ the same Tooru he used to love back in college, it’s sort of not. They haven’t been talking long enough for him to know what’s really changed in Tooru’s life. He’s a public sports figure now. Being in the public eye and a borderline sex symbol is bound to change someone, probably not for the better. He just wishes he knew what Tooru’s motives were. The timing is just all wrong. 

Keiji stares right into his ex’s eyes to make sure his point gets across. “We broke up years ago. You _do not_ have feelings for me.” 

“Well Keiji-chan, it’s not like I broke up with you.” He’s so smug when he says it. Maybe Keiji was the one to suggest it, but still. 

“It was mutual. We both needed space.” That's what he said at least, what he tells himself. In all honesty, _he_ needed space and he knew deep down Tooru would give it to him if he asked. He thought he was doing what was best for both of them, but maybe he was just doing what was best for himself? 

“I didn't want space. I only agreed to it because I knew that's what you wanted.” There's no influx in his voice or twitch in his facial expressions. Keiji's looking for anything that might suggest Tooru's less than serious when honestly, he's never looked more serious in his entire life. 

All he can do is sigh. “I don't understand how you could even look at me after what happened.” 

__“I don’t blame you for that Keiji. Never did.”_ _

__“I lost our baby.” It was the first child he would lose, back in college. Tooru was a senior and Keiji a junior, both busy with studying and volleyball. They'd been together since he was eighteen, but that didn’t mean they were in a position to raise a child. Still, they loved each other and were sure they'd figure out something despite the number of cards stacked against them—which was a lot._ _

__It had been a whirlwind of stress. To start, Keiji’s father never liked Tooru—thought his aspirations of being a volleyball player were unrealistic and and blamed him for Keiji’s continued interest in the sport after high school. He liked Tooru even less when he found out his son was pregnant. Keiji knew he wouldn't be able to rely on his father for much support, if any, and his mother would be iffy._ _

__Keiji quit volleyball after he found out. His doctor had advised against the sport early in the pregnancy. They had been so sure they were having a baby that such a drastic decision only seemed right. He was already discussing online schooling options with his counselor when he lost the baby. He was almost done with his first trimester. Things were looking serious. Losing his first child was sudden and completely unexpected. The doctor couldn't even explain it. Not long after he'd discovered he was pregnant with Tooru's baby, he just wasn't anymore._ _

__He blamed it on stress. He blamed it on volleyball. He blamed it on classes. He blamed it on anything he could think of. But most of all, he blamed it on himself. He kept wondering what he could've done differently. He didn't know that his first loss would only be the first of many._ _

__“That wasn't your fault.”_ _

__He might've been able to believe that back then, but after four failed pregnancies by two different men he doubted it. He was the only consistent factor after all. There had to be something wrong with him—some reason why he couldn't seem to carry a baby no matter how hard he tried. Tooru’s words sounded nice. Semi had said the same thing, at least he had at first. Sometime after their second pregnancy, it became clear in the way Keiji sometimes caught Semi looking at him, that there was a part of him that blamed Keiji._ _

__“I’ve been pregnant three more times since we broke up. In total, I’ve had three miscarriages and a late term abortion. There's something wrong here and it's obviously with me,” he informs. He’s not looking for sympathy. He's just stating facts so that Tooru can let whatever ideas he's holding onto go. It's like he spent the last few years thinking Keiji was some saint or the ‘one who got away’ when neither of those are true. He's delusional. “It was _my_ fault.” _ _

__Keiji expects Tooru to fight him again, spew off stupid sympathetic apologies. Maybe he’ll ask what the doctors have said and then say they must be wrong. It’s what everybody else says. He doesn’t know how many people have tried to comfort him over the years but they all say the same things and none of it ever actually makes him feel better._ _

__Somehow Tooru always manages to surprise him. Instead of trying to comfort any further, he stares at him with a straight face and asks, “Is that what your new fiancé tells you?”_ _

__Keiji has no idea of what to make of Tooru's expression. He’s clearly implying something. Sometimes he wonders if Tooru's even aware of how infuriating he can be. _“Excuse me?”_ _ _

__He shrugs, plays innocent. “Just wondering who would put such a stupid idea into your head. I know you're far too smart to actually believe that.”_ _

__“You don't know anything about my fiancé.”_ _

__“So tell me about him. Who is this mystery man exactly?” He’s playing non chalant, waving his hand as if he doesn't care but Keiji isn't stupid. At one point, he'd say he knew Tooru better than he knew himself. This is the topic he's wanted to address the entire time._ _

__“His name is Semi Eita. I met him through my parents after you and I broke up. We've been dating for a little more than three years—been engaged for one.”_ _

__It's oddly silent at their booth as Tooru takes in the information. His lack of expression is throwing Keiji off. Usually his face is a dead giveaway to what he's feeling even in those rare moments where he doesn't talk, but this blank face thing he keeps doing is new. It's almost mature, which isn't a word Keiji would've ever used to describe him before._ _

___“Semi Eita,”_ he finally repeats, “Like that company building downtown.”_ _

__It isn't a question, more of a realization. Keiji nods. His doesn't like to throw Semi’s name around because the family name Eita is usually very familiar. It holds a lot of weight in the business world. The only reason he even crossed paths with someone like a Semi is because of his father’s work as a financial advisor. Eita Industries became one of his clients sometime when Keiji was in High School. Suddenly he was required to accompany his parents to all of the Eita family events and galas. He’d seen Semi plenty of times, but didn't formally meet him until after his relationship with Tooru ended. The way Semi had made it sound, apparently he'd had his eye on him for a while but Keiji always assumed that was just his fiancé’s way of stroking his ego early on to get a date._ _

__“So when you said you moved here so that he could run a branch, you meant a branch of Eita Industries? The multi-million dollar company?”_ _

__It sounds weird when Tooru says it. _Shallow_. Keiji’s never been in it for the money, but now he feels as if he’s being judged. He can't even look at him when he says. “Yeah, that one.” _ _

__Tooru's face falls with a long sigh. Keiji imagines he feels like he just lost a competition he was never really in. “Wow..congratulations I guess.”_ _

__“You don't sound very happy for me,” Keiji says with a dry laugh._ _

__Tooru scoffs, avoiding eye contact by staring down at his drink. The circle he’s making with his straw look strangely aggressive._ _

__“That obvious?”_ _

__“A little bit. I really don't understand Tooru. I haven't seen you in years. I mean look at you,” he vaguely gestures his hands around the coffee shop, “everyone around is enamored with you. You could have anyone you want. You can't honestly expect me to believe you've been thinking about me this entire time?”_ _

__Keiji would be lying if he said he’d never thought of Tooru in the last few years. Of course he had. Tooru Oikawa was the first person he'd ever loved, ever been serious about, ever slept with. He'd loved Tooru in a way he would probably never love anyone else. He loved Semi but for different reasons. He could spend the rest of his life with Semi. He liked spending time with him. Semi was practical and reliable. He could be a temperamental fucking asshole, obviously…but he could also be sweet and thoughtful. It was like every decision he made, he made for Keiji. He liked that. They were compatible. He hoped that maybe after the wedding, Semi's temper would relent._ _

__Tooru had been different—being with him was the kind of thing that changed the way you looked at life. It was passionate and exciting. Every time they touched, Keiji’s skin would raise with goosebumps and his heart would race. Nobody would ever describe Keiji as needy or clingy but he used to crave his boyfriend’s presence in a way that, looking back it, probably wasn't healthy. He remembers a time when just looking at Tooru made his heart ache. Even now, Tooru keeps looking at him with the same enamored stare he used to have back then. Its hard not to reminisce._ _

__When they broke up—or when Keiji suggested they should at least—it wasn't that he didn't love Tooru. He probably loved him a little more than he should've. After losing his first child in a whirlwind romance that neither of them were mature enough to handle, he realized he might have been _too_ invested. It wasn't healthy to be that reliant on someone. _ _

__Keiji always knew Tooru was going to be amazing at whatever he did and he didn't need things like a baby, or a boyfriend, clouding his judgement anyway . He didn't want to hold Tooru back, and if he let the relationship carry on, that was exactly what he was going to do. Part of him always felt undeserving of Tooru’s attention. He’d cherished the time they'd had, but just like their baby, Keiji had to learn to let him go._ _

__He didn't understand why Tooru hadn't done the same?_ _

__"Well believe it, because I have been,” he replies with the utmost earnesty. “I tried to contact you—you blocked my number and my emails. I tried asking Bokuto and the shrimp about you when I could, but they wouldn't tell me anything.”_ _

__That's news to Keiji. Both Koutarou and Shouyou had gone on to play volleyball as well. Every now and then they'd mention playing Tooru or seeing him out somewhere which wasn't a surprise. He played for Tokyo, the played for Southern Tokyo. He expected them to run each other often. However, they never said he'd asked about him. He wasn't upset and considering that they'd been the ones left to help pick up the pieces after the break up, he couldn't really say he was surprised. They were probably just trying to protect him._ _

__"I was finally starting to give up and then I see you in a grocery store near my apartment. I'd be lying if I said that I thought that was just a coincidence.”_ _

__“And what would you say it was then?” He asks as if he doesn't already know the answer. Tooru's so predictable sometimes._ _

__“Fate.”_ _

__Keiji sighs. “Fate isn't real Tooru.”_ _

__“Then why did you agree to meet with me?”_ _

__“Because you asked.”_ _

__“Why do you think I asked?”_ _

__“I have no idea. I never understood why you did half the things you did.”_ _

__“You're the only person I've ever loved. I never felt for anyone things I felt for you and I think that means something.”_ _

__It's the sweetest thing he's heard in a while, but this is a classic example of the grass being greener on the other side. Tooru just happened to stumble into his life at the perfect time. He's only a few months fresh of another lost child. His relationship with Semi is in a weird place, but regardless, they're working it out. He's not looking for outside romance, not even from Tooru._ _

__“I think I'm engaged.”_ _

__“You keep saying that but…”_ _

__“But _what?_ ” _ _

__“Buy you’re n— _nothing_ ,” whatever it is he wants to say, he clearly decides against his better judgment. It was probably something that would've only upset him anyway. “I'm a lot of things, but a home wrecker isn't one of them. I respect your relationship but you know where I stand regardless. If you'd let me, I'd like to be a part of your life again for as long as possible. If it's simply as your friend, I'll take it. _I've missed you._ ” He reaches out during the last part and rests his hand on Keiji's arm. It isn't forward, or even flirtatious. It feels desperate, like a final plea. _ _

__Keiji doesn't know how to react at first. He looks down at Tooru's hand on his arm and hates the familiar way the hairs on his arms start to dance around it. He's loves Semi. He plans on spending the rest of his life with him, but Tooru was a a big part of his life once. It wasn't fair to completely cut him out of it. Maybe it's time to stop avoiding him? He thinks they can at least be friends._ _

__“I've missed you too Tooru. I think I'd like that.”_ _

__***_ _

__Semi’s standing in the living room, hands folded across his chest when Keiji walks in. His face appears calm, but his tone suggests a level in anger beyond comprehension. “Did you have fun with your ex?” he asks._ _

__“Excuse me?” Keiji stops dead in his tracks. He'd planned to go straight to the bedroom but Semi’s comment catches him completely off guard. He hadn't told him he was going to hang out with Tooru. He hadn't told him what he was doing at all._ _

__His fiance waves his phone screen, prompting Keiji to come closer to see it. Pulled up is link to a twitter thread—gossip accounts with photos of him and Tooru. Thousands of people have already liked and commented on them._ _

__“I had no idea you were going out, let alone seeing him. You didn’t call or text. I had to find out from the internet. You know how embarrassing that is?” Keiji doesn't reply so Semi puts his phone down and adds, “You two look awfully close in these.”_ _

__Of course it's the perfect picture of Tooru looking into his eyes with his hand on his arm. Fucking Christ he hates technology sometimes. It's not anything like how it's portrayed in the photo but only he and Tooru know that. Next time they'll have to hang out somewhere more private._ _

__“We ran into each other and decided to catch up. That's all.”_ _

__“You used to _date_ him. You were together all through college. You almost had his child.” _ _

__“So?”_ _

__“So I think there’s a lot more going on here than catching up and I don't like it.” Most days, Semi walks around as if he can't stand to look at him. Of course he cares when somebody else shows interest in him. Classic manipulation tactic._ _

__“We had coffee, one time. There's nothing to worry about. Calm down.” Keiji waves his hand like its no big deal. His boyfriend's got a hold on his wrist before he can walk away._ _

__“Nothing to worry about?” Semi repeats, standing up and bringing his body up against Keiji’s. His grip only tightens the closer he gets and it starts to hurt but Keiji keeps his face blank. “I think I have everything to be worried about. We’re getting married in less than a year and suddenly you feel the need to catch up with your ex? It's plastered all over the internet. People are already speculating about your relationship. This time tomorrow, they'll know everything about you.”_ _

__“You're reading too much into this. I'm obviously engaged. You and I both know that. He knows that.”_ _

__“Well then where the fuck is your ring?”_ _

__It's such a stupid question that it takes him a while to even register that Semi's serious. Keiji looks down at his hand, ready to counter that it's where it always is…except it's _not_ there. He was wearing it yesterday at the store. He only really took it off to bathe or sleep. He remembers putting it on the nightstand... _and must have forgotten to put it back on._ _ _

__“Its on my nightstand. I guess I forgot it?” He wonders if that's what Tooru was going to point out when he cut himself off earlier? Did he think he had showed up without it on purpose?_ _

__There's a sudden, sharp sting where Semis hand makes contact with his face. It's followed by a hot burning._ _

__“You _guess?_ Or you left it there on purpose? My parents called asking me what was going on. Your ex is one of the most recognizable men in sports. People are going to talk.” _ _

__The first thing that comes to his mind is a smart ass comment about how Semi couldn't have possibly know that, but he doesn't really want to risk another slap to the face. He can understand why Semi's so upset now but he's still behaving irrationally. So Keiji takes a step back to create a little distance. His hands are rubbing at his cheek but it offers no relief. “It was an accident.”_ _

__“You've never forgotten it before!”_ _

___“Well maybe next time I should.”_ _ _

__He doesn't know why he lets that thought even leave his mouth. It's like he just throws all sense of self preservation out the window. The rage Semi feels is practically instant. Before Keiji can register what's going on, he's being grabbed by his hands and pushed into the nearest wall. Semi’s hands seem to fit perfectly around his throat as they were made just to strangle him, squeezing with every bit of force he has. For the first time in a long time Keiji starts to panic. Semi’s slapped him, pushed him, grabbed him hard enough to bruise and even punched him once or twice but he's never strangled him. He's never even threatened it. There’s an intensity in his grip that suggests he's intent on causing serious damage. Semi can be physical, but this is the first time since he first laid hands on him that Keiji actually feels like his life might be in danger._ _

__He tries to fight but Semi is just too strong, a mix of adrenaline and anger most likely. “If I ever see you without that ring again, I'll break both of your hands, do you understand me?”_ _

__Keiji wants to nod, if only to breathe again but he's afraid to try anything. Semi's never broken a bone before, or threatened to break bones before either. The worst thing that ever happened was the black eye he got the very first time Semi ever hit him. He's not sure how to react and his silence only infuriates Semi further as he pulls Keiji forward, only to slam his back into the wall. _“Do you understand me?”__ _

__It's hard to focus on Semis question when all he can think about is how he can't breathe. He knows freaking out will only waste more energy and breath but his body seems to be doing it involuntarily. He manages to just barely nod. It's seems to be enough. He inhales loudly and falls to his knees when Semi finally lets go._ _

__“Good.”_ _

__Keiji gasps for air as tears of both relief and terror begin to well in his eyes. Semi goes back to the couch and turns up the TV._ _

__***_ _

__The thing about their relationship is, they're not _always_ fighting. Semi isn't always a jerk and Keiji doesn't always have a mouth that gets him in trouble. They do in fact get along and even thought it doesn't seem like it, they do love each other. Keiji wouldn't have agreed to marry him if they didn't._ _

__The fighting is more recent. They had small arguments like any couple but it didn't get serious until after they lost the second baby and it didn't get violent until after they lost the third._ _

__Despite all this, there are still moments of peace, brief glimpses of their old relationship. Keiji isn't stupid enough to think it will ever be perfect. No relationship is and not even a baby could fix that. He does cherish the times when things are okay._ _

__Like now, when he's sitting curled up on the couch. He hasn't left all day, mostly because he can't quite explain away the distinctive hand shaped bruises on his neck or the slight rasp to his voice. He hasn't seen or heard from Semi since this morning but his fiance often leaves after a particularly brutal encounter so Keiji isn't surprised. He doesn't really want to see him anyway._ _

__So when he hears the key turn in the door or sees Semi walk over, he doesn't bother to acknowledge him. He just barely glances up as Semi sets a grocery bag on the coffee table and pulls out a pint of mint chocolate chip. It's _their_ flavor—specifically the very flavor they used to sit up and share together when Keiji would stay the night in the beginning of their relationship. They spent many late nights sitting up together, sharing secrets, drinking and passing a spoon back and fourth. They were some of Keiji's better memories, before the sly comments comments about his weight or the fights about Semi's drinking._ _

__“I'm sorry,” he offers, sitting down and placing a light kiss on his cheek. “Last night was too far…I just…I know how much you used to love Tooru and I guess I got jealous.”_ _

__There's a sentimentality in the peace offering that threatens to tear apart Keiji’s heart strings. It's always easier to just accept the apology and move on but the rational side of him is telling him that's ridiculous. Semi is dead wrong._ _

__“You threatened me.”_ _

__Semi bites at his lip, shame evident in his pathetic expression. “I know. I don't know where that came from.” He looks down at his hands with disbelief, as if they had a mind of their own the night before._ _

__“You _choked_ me,” Keiji adds. He tugs his shirt collar down so his fiance can see just how bad it is. So he can see what _he_ did. _ _

__Semi reaches out towards the bruises. It's slow and gentle but Keiji still flinches under his touch. “I'm so sorry.” He sounds small and weak. The exact opposite of his much more violent persona._ _

__Keiji wants to yell and scream, but he doesn't have the energy to fight after last night. When he speaks, his tone his much sadder and more desperate than even he expected. “You're always sorry but you always do it again.”_ _

__Semi looks afraid. His eyes are wide and his pupils are vibrating back and forth. His hand twitches slightly as his fingertips brush over Keiji's neck. “Are you going to leave?”_ _

__Keiji wonders why he hasn't yet. They both know he's too smart not to understand what's happening. Every time he stays he only digs himself deeper but he never goes. Reaching out to his parents isn't really an option but Koutarou or Shouyou would take him in in a second...At least, they would if they _knew_. He has a job, he wouldn't be a burden for long. But he never leaves. He'd be too embarrassed and Semis family would ruin his father and him. Besides he really does love Semi. He doesn't want to leave him. He just wants him to stop being a jerk. So he just endures the downs in their relationship. A lot of this is his fault. If he could've carried at least one baby to term, things might not be this bad in the first place. _ _

__He’s the one with the bruises. He's the one who’s constantly hurt or insulted, yet he finds himself pulling Semi towards his chest and comforting him. "No. I'm not going to leave you, for Tooru or anybody else.”_ _

__Semi wraps his arms around him in return and buries his head into his chest. “I don't know what I'd do if you did.”_ _

__Keiji doesn't want to find out._ _


	2. Waiting on Some Beautiful Boy to Save You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m the same person I was when we dated.” At least, Keiji likes to _think_ he is. If anyone knew what his relationship was like behind closed doors they might say otherwise. Tooru wouldn't have gotten away with half the things Semi does, but then again, he wouldn't have tried half of them either. 
> 
> “You say that as if I’m not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! thanks so much for all the positive feedback! I really appreciate it so much, everyone's been so nice! 
> 
> Sorry this took so long. I had the chapter drafted, but then I decided I wanted to rewrite a section completely and change a few things! I like this version better though. I appreciate you bearing with me. 
> 
> This is unbeta'd btw, so sorry about any mistakes. Let me know if i need to add any additional trigger warnings!

_"He doesn't look a thing like Jesus,_  
but he talks like a gentleman,  
like you imagined when you were young." 

***

For the next few days, Keiji's forced to stay at their home in hiding. It's a self-inflicted punishment. He's not stupid enough to go out in public with hand prints on his neck. There's no easy way to explain that and he'd hate to run the risk of anyone he knows seeing him—or even just a nosy stranger asking questoins. It's cold enough out that he could wear a scarf but there's nothing he needs to do that badly. He works from home most of the time so it's not as if it's impeding him in any way. 

Plus, being home isn't really that bad right now. Semi's always really nice after a particularly bad fight. He dotes on Keiji, texting him all day to see how he's doing. He brings home gifts. He doesn't yell. He doesn't drink. When he asks about Keiji's job he at least pretends to be interested. It's a sweet reprieve from the persistent dullness of their relationship as of late. It's reminiscent of what it was in the beginning. Keiji knows the back and forth isn't the healthiest thing ever but it's better than nothing. He’ll take what he can get when he can.

They're on the couch, Semi sitting up and Keiji with his head in his lap. Keiji's mindlessly marathoning a TV show, but Semi's on his tablet looking at emails from work. Every so often he reaches down and brushes his hand through Keiji's hair. They've never been the type of couple that has to talk all the time. They can simply enjoy each other’s presence. Tooru used to crave sound and stimulation. It had been a hard habit to break him of, but Keiji was used to it. He'd had to do the same with Koutarou and Shouyou as well. 

This is the eighth night in a row that they haven't gotten into a fight or gone to bed completely ignoring each other. It's the longest streak they've had since the baby. It's peaceful, if not promising. Keiji wonders if maybe they're done with the drama for a while. He'd like to move on, maybe talk about the wedding, go back to being an actual couple. Anything that resembles some semblance of normalcy. 

“Are you coming to bed with me tonight?” he asks, turning his face up to look at his fiancé’s. 

Semi purses his lips in thought, considering it, but doesn't look down. “I still have quite a few emails to read through.” 

While they haven't been hostile with one another this week, they haven't exactly been intimate either. Then again, Semi hasn't made an effort to touch him since the night they came home from the hospital. In all fairness, Keiji hadn't been interested in sex after losing the last baby. He doubted Semi was either. But not even when he was drunk did he seem the least bit interested, which used to be rather common. Keiji even remembers a time where Semi couldn't keep his hands off of him, but not anymore. They’ve shared a kiss every now and again, even cuddled on the couch during a movie but they havn't slept together in months. Keiji was starting to notice and for the first time in a long time, he was actually interested in being with his fiancé again. 

“They couldn't wait until tomorrow?” He brushes his hand lightly across Semi’s arm. He hopes that will get his attention and get his point across. 

“I mean I'd prefer to get them done tonight. I have an early day Tuesday. Why don't you ask me then?” 

“You want me to schedule sex with my own boyfriend?” He deadpans. The sad part is, Keiji knows he's one hundred percent serious.

Semi only glances down at him before looking back at work. He has an interesting smirk on his face, one that Keiji is having a hard time reading. 

He laughs, “Not tonight.” 

Keiji’s never really been a beggar, not for sex at least. If anything, Tooru had been the one to ask ninety percent of the time. He has to wonder why the hell his ex keeps coming to mind, especially in this moment when he's trying to seduce his fiance. Maybe it's because it shouldn't be this hard? 

In one last attempt, Keiji rolls over onto his hands and knees and runs his hand up Semi’s thigh, “Are you sure there's _nothing_ I can do for you?” 

Semi’s brow raises with interest, but still he doesn't give. “As tempting as that is, I'm just not interested tonight, okay?”

“Not interested?” If Keiji didn't know Semi as well as he did, he'd probably assume he was sleeping with someone else but he doubts that highly. He's at least a loyal boyfriend if nothing else. While the fights and disagreements haven't always left Keiji attracted to Semi’s personality, he's never questioned his physical attraction to his fiancé. It seems to be the opposite for Semi. Keiji thought he'd be jumping at the chance to be together again, but clearly he was wrong.

Semi waves his hand as if to brush his comment off, “Come on Keiji. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. I think you’re gorgeous and I still love you...” He pauses to kiss him on the forward. It's supposed to be affectionate but Keiji feels like he's being pacified. “But I just don't think I can really look past the way you've been taking care of yourself lately.” 

It's such a roundabout of saying he doesn't want to sleep with him because he's put on a few pounds. It's nicer than what he usually says when he's drunk but still, it doesn't make it hurt any less. Semi didn't mind when he was pregnant but he clearly separated pregnancy weight from now. Not to say that Keiji hadn't maybe added some of these pounds to his frame since losing the last baby. But it's not nearly as many as Semi makes it seem and it distributes fairly evenly considering how tall he is. Sure he's not sporting the well-toned abs he had when they met, but he's also not twice his size or anything either. 

Four pregnancies changes your body dramatically, as does losing four children. It's hard to process something like that and when Semi wasn't willing to be the support he needed after his abortion, Keiji found it somewhere else. Being home all day, food was his most accessible option. It was no different than Semi turning to drinking. Except Keiji doesn't put his hands on Semi when he’s done. 

“I think I’ve been taking care of myself just fine considering.”

Semi looks at him from the corner of his eyes, challenging him. “Considering what exactly?” 

“Considering the fact that you've offered no emotional support these last few months. You're distant and drunk most of the time.” 

“So you eat because you're sad?” It's such a simple question but his tone and the way he's still looking at Keiji are so condescending that Keiji almost understands the appeal hitting someone might have. He'd love nothing better than to slap Semi right now. He knows better but it’s infuriating nonetheless. 

“Would it kill you to have a little sympathy for what I went through at least once, instead of being a cold heartless bastard all the time? Maybe then we wouldn't be having this conversation?”

Semi doesn’t even bother to glance at him this time. He's literally hosting almost an entire argument without looking up from his emails. “We both lost a baby, get over yourself. You've just gotten way too comfortable and you keep trying to use that as an excuse. I guess not seeing Tooru this week has you horny enough to take it anywhere you can get it?”

“Fuck you. I saw him one time and you know it. I'm not sleeping with him. Excuse me for wanting to be intimate with my fiancé, who I haven't slept with in months. I'm sorry that you couldn't figure out how to deal with your feelings so you shut me out and turned to a bottle. I'm sorry I had to find my own way to pick up the pieces. But most of all, I'm sorry you're so insecure that you feel threatened by some guy I was sleeping with four years ago!”

Everything was going so well. Eight days—eight days without a fight or an issue. It would've been nice to maybe enjoy themselves before things went to shit but he's not that lucky. 

Keiji doesn't want to argue anymore and he doesn't want to stick around long enough for Semi to realize he hasn't hit him yet, so he stands up and makes his way to their room. He starts compiling a text to Shouyou and Koutarou. He lies, saying Semi is working late and that he's looking to get out of the house for the night. His bag is packed before he even gets a response. Whoever replies first is where he’ll go. He throws on sneakers and a hoodie, grabs his keys and walks towards the door. 

For the first time all night Semi actually puts down his iPad. “Where the hell do you think you're going?” 

“I don't know, but I can't stay here. I'll be back tomorrow.”

“Keiji I swear to God if you walk out of that door—“

Keiji continues to walk, ignoring semi's threat as if he didn't hear him. 

“Where the hell are you going?”

“Who knows? Maybe I'll go to Tooru's. I'm sure he'll miss me after eight long days.” Keiji doesn't even bother to turn around and see the look on Semi's face, but he imagines it must be pretty infuriated because when he reaches his car, Semi's called him twice and sent him a text. 

‘You better hope I'm not around to see you when you come back tomorrow. I don't care whether you see Tooru or not. When I see, I'm going give you something to be upset about.’ 

*** 

Irrational is not how most people describe Keiji but he would think his actions right now could easily be deemed as such. He's been driving around in his car for ten minutes with no replies from Shouyou or Koutarou. Part of him considers going home, but the stubborn part of him doesn't want to cave. It's stupid, he knows that. If he goes home, he will have gotten Semi riled up for nothing and if the end result is still the same regardless of when he shows up, why go home at all? 

He can't go to his parents. It would be a waste of gas and time to make the drive because in the end he knows they'll just send him home anyway. His only other option _is_ Tooru. Saying he would see his ex was really just an infuriation tactic, but now it's looking like his best bet. At this point, he _can't_ go home and something tells him his ex will definitely reply if he contacts him. So he sends a casual text to Tooru just to see if he's interested in company. The response is almost immediate. 

‘I was starting to think I'd never hear from you! I'm not busy if you want stop by.’ 

The next text is his address. It's surprisingly not too far from where Keiji and Semi stay. It doesn't take him more than ten minutes to find the place. 

He leaves the bag he packed in the car. He doesn't feel comfortable asking to stay with Tooru like he does with Shouyou and Koutarou. He tells himself he won't stay long. He just figures he'll hang out here until one of them answers him or Semi passes out drunk enough not to hear him come home. 

Tooru buzzes him into his apartment complex and he takes the elevator up to his floor. He doesn't even have to wander the halls to find his apartment number because Tooru's standing there waiting for him. 

He looks relaxed in a pair of volleyball warm up pants and a team shirt. Keiji had hoped he wasn't interrupting anything important and this seems to confirm it. 

“Nice to see you again Keiji. I have to admit, this is a pleasant surprise.” He's got this cocky grin on his face like he knew Keiji would come back eventually. Keiji walks in rolling his eyes. 

“It's nice to see you too Tooru.” 

His apartment is nice. The décor is well coordinated which is not surprising. Even his dorm was always impeccably neat and thoughtful. Every last detail is perfect, down to the ornate carvings in the legs of his coffee table. Tooru even has velvet throw pillows on his sectional and Keiji can't help but think he probably picked those out himself. Tooru always had a strangely unique taste. When they had moved, Semi’s mother hired an interior decorator. It seemed like the stupidest thing ever. They already owned furniture that they’d picked out together. It was so impersonal but she said it was her gift to them and it clearly made her happy so he didn't question it. Tooru's place is just so _him_. 

He takes a seat on the couch. Whatever's on the TV is paused and there’s a glass of wine on the table. It's clear that he wasn't interrupting much more than a movie night. 

“To what do I owe this pleasure?” Tooru asks, setting a glass of wine down in front of Keiji. It’s filled up to the top and he doesn't even have to taste it to know it's probably sweet as hell. 

“Maybe I missed you?” 

Tooru laughs, seeing right through him. “It's not nice to get people's hopes up Keiji-chan. It _is_ nice to see you haven't lost your painfully dry sense of humor though.” 

"I’m the same person I was when we dated.” At least, Keiji likes to _think_ he is. If anyone knew what his relationship was like behind closed doors they might say otherwise. Tooru wouldn't have gotten away with half the things Semi does, but then again, he wouldn't have tried half of them either. 

“You say that as if I’m not.” Keiji notes his casual presence, as Tooru laughs, legs curled up, a hand draped over the back of the couch. It’s no different than being with Koutarou or Shouyou, watching TV or playing video games—or even like it was when he and Tooru were still together. Unless they're in one of their good periods, Semi's presence can be stiff, uninviting. That's probably one purpose. Semi wants him to feel detached. Tooru wants him to feel comfortable as he leans back into his seat and works on his glass.

“I don't know. Fame changes people.” 

Tooru scoffs before sipping from his glass. “Fame is such a loaded word. I'm popular but I'm hardly famous.” 

“Please, I see your interviews all the time. Everyone knows who you are. People were staring at you when we got coffee. My fiancé saw a picture of us together on twitter. You're everywhere.” 

His ex’s cheeks are glowing bright red with embarrassment. It's completely different than when they were younger and Tooru literally thrived off of all the attention he would get. Keiji never imagined the day he'd see a humble side to his ex. 

“So you’ve been keeping up with me?” 

“Of course that's all you'd take from that.” 

“It was the most interesting part,” he pauses as Keiji finishes his first glass. The wine is as diabetically sweet as he imagined but he doesn't protest when he's poured another. “You still haven't told me what brought you here?” 

“Is it really hard to believe that I wanted to see you?” 

“It's almost nine o’ clock on a Sunday and I haven't heard from you in over a week. Excuse me if I'm more than a bit curious.”

He has to admit, this is strange timing. His friends wouldn't have questioned it but of course Tooru is much more skeptical. 

“Semi and I had a fight,” he admits with a reluctant sigh. 

“So you only texted me because you're on the outs with him? Keiji-chan I'm hurt.” 

Even Keiji can't help but smile a bit. They both know he's not really that offended. Tooru's probably a little happy if anything. He doesn't know that the only reason they hung out the first time was because of a fight. This is quickly becoming a pattern that Keiji didn't see coming. 

It's not that he doesn't enjoy Tooru’s company. They wouldn't have lasted so long if he had a problem with him. He can't help but feel a little guilty for running to him again. 

"Can I ask what you fought about?” 

He could lie. Keiji considers it actually but he doesn't really see the point. If he's really going to make an effort to try and be friends with Tooru, he should be able to be honest with him. He downs the rest of his wine just to loosen himself up for this. Tooru immediately leans forward to pour him more. 

“Sex.” 

_“Sex?”_

“I wanted to have it. He didn't.” 

Tooru’s stares at Keiji with raised brows. It’s obvious he doesn't quite know how to take that. He probably wasn't expecting Keiji to be so up front. “I feel like there's probably more to this that I'm missing.”

“He said he _wasn't interested_ ,” Keiji elaborates complete with air quotes. He takes another gulp of wine, allowing the warmth to resonate through his body. The more he thinks about his fight with Semi earlier, the more infuriated he slowly becomes. 

"Interested in sleeping with you?” Tooru looks incredibly confused by the argument. Honestly, Keiji hardly understands it himself anymore which is what really pisses him off. 

"At the moment, he's hardly interested in me at all.” There's bitterness seeping from his tone but the more wine he drinks, the less he cares. He pours the next glass himself. He doesn't like to drink around Semi, doesn't want to contribute to his problem but considering he's not home, all bets are currently off. It was never hard for him to let his guard down around Tooru and clearly that much hasn't changed. “He's not _attracted_ to me right now. Not since the last baby.”

“He said that to you?” 

“More or less. He said he doesn't like the way I've been ‘taking care of myself’.” 

“Huh?” 

“It was his indirect way of calling me fat.” 

“Oh, I don't think you're fat.” He shrugs. Keiji doesn't think he is either. He isn't as toned as before, no, but hardly undesirable. Since they’d met,h e'd probably put on twenty, maybe thirty, pounds at most, spread over a six-foot frame. He would guess half came with the baby and the other half after, but it's not something that's even noticeable if he's wearing a jacket or a sweatshirt. He thinks there's more to it that Semi isn't saying, like the residual pale pink stretch marks that came from his stomach expanding or the scar at the base of his abdomen from delivering a stillborn baby. Unlike a few extra pounds, those imperfections aren't ever going away.

“Thank you. If only you could share that sentiment with Semi.” 

“Semi sounds like an asshole.” 

Tooru has no idea. 

“He has his quirks…as do we all.” It wasn't as if Tooru was perfect, or Keiji for that matter. 

“So how long has it been?” 

“How long has what been?” He's too busy trying to calculate how many glasses of wine deep he is to understand the question. 

“Since you last slept together?” 

“Oh,” Keiji says with realization. His cheeks begin to blush as he tries to figure out the embarrassingly long figure in his head. “Eight months at least, probably more. I'm not sure of the exact number, but sometime when I was pregnant.” 

He's not sure what's making him divulge the intricacies of his relationship to Tooru. It's not like he doesn't seek advice on his relationship but only ever from Koutarou and Shouyou. In the back of his mind something tells him he shouldn't be offering up so much of his personal life to an ex—an ex that still loves him apparently but before they were exes or even lovers, they were once really good friends. If nothing else, he can attribute it to the wine that he's finishing glass number four of. The bottle is verging on empty. 

Tooru tries to fight it, but he finds himself giggling as Keiji looks up and glares at him. “I'm sorry,” he says, “That's just so sad.” 

“Well then shouldn't you be crying?” he asks rolling his eyes and playfully shoving Tooru’s calf. 

“Nobody should have to go that long. What's the point of dating someone if you're not sleeping together? What do you do instead? _Talk to each other?_ ” 

“God,” Keiji sighs, his face bright red as he holds back his own laughter, “I shouldn't have said anything.”

“I think it's funny that you seem so frustrated considering the way you used to make me beg for it sometimes. Sure, you always caved eventually but not after making me work for it.” 

“Shut up,” Keiji rolls his eyes, “Forgive me for wanting to actually spend time with you instead of having a relationship based solely on sex.” 

“I'm not gonna lie, half the time we were talking I was really just thinking about sleeping with you.” 

Keiji doesn't doubt it. If Tooru had it his way, they would've been sleeping together twenty-four hours a day. He used to shower Keiji with compliments, tell him that he was beautiful and that he couldn't believe someone like Keiji was attracted to him. Keiji assumed it was his way of buttering him up just to get in his pants. As far as he was concerned, Tooru was the attractive one in the relationship. 

“God you probably don't know anything about me do? Never paid attention to anything I said—favorite movies, favorite band, favorite color,” he jokes, “You were just pretending to pay attention so you could sleep with me weren't you? You're terrible.” 

They're both laughing now. In all honesty, Keiji always considers it amazing that Tooru wasn't sleeping around. Why any young male as attractive as him with a libedo that clearly never took a break, put up with his restrictions was beyond him. Tooru could've had any and everyone on that campus but he always stuck to Keiji. 

The laughter dies down and Keiji can’t help but smile as he looks over at his ex. He hasn’t laughed this hard in a while. 

_“Forest green,”_ Tooru suddenly says in a moment of silence. 

“What?” 

“Your favorite color is forest green. Something about your grandmother’s house in the country surrounded by greenery and mountains. You used to spend summers with her and you had that hideous green patch quilt she made you draped over the end of your bed. It smelled like grass. I fucking hated that thing.”

Keiji pauses. He doesn’t mean to sound so vulnerable but he doesn't know what to think. “You _remember_ that?” 

Tooru’s smiling, giving a non chalant shrug. Keiji glances over his shoulder trying to smile back but it comes off as more of a grimace.

“Of course I do. Contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t completely focused on sex. I actually listened to you…most of the time.” 

It's just an off handed comment. Tooru doesn't even mean anything by it but for Keiji it means so much more. Who remembers shit like that? He hasn’t pulled that blanket out since Semi made him box it up when they first moved in together. Hell, even he'd forgotten about it now. 

Keiji doesn't like this, any of it. He came over here to relax, get away from things. He didn't come here for Tooru to say adorable shit and bring up memories even he'd forgotten. Worst of all, he was genuinely flattered. Maybe it's the wine, but he's feeling warm and sentimental on the inside. He doesn't understand why Tooru's doing this, why he’s allowing Tooru to do this to him. He doesn't understand why he's here. What was he thinking? 

Suddenly, he finds himself missing late nights with the man in front of him. He never thought Tooru wasn't listening to him, but why did things about Keiji still matter to him? For him to come back after all these years with that stupid memory. It's the most mundane thing but the way it just rolls off his tongue like he cared still. It's sweet and touching. He can't remember the last time Semi said something even remotely sentimental to him. He doesn't like that he keeps comparing them or that every time that he does, Tooru seems to come out on top. Keiji needs to get out of here. He should've never come.

“I'm sorry. I can't do this,” he says. He sets his glass down on the table and uses the edge to push himself up. He’d like to say the reason he stumbles and knocks his glass over is that he's moving too fast, but his tolerance for alcohol must not be as high as he thought. “I have to go.” 

Tooru jumps up behind him. He quickly picks up the fallen glass and places a hand on Keiji’s waste to try and stabilize him. “What? Keiji where are you going? What can't you do? _Hold on._ ”

His head is spinning. He's drunk. He didn't even realize until he stood up that the wine hit him that hard, but there's no way he can drive like this. The only way he's getting home is if he calls Semi…or he could let Tooru drive. Both of which are just terrible ideas. 

He can't think right now. All he knows is Tooru needs to stop touching him. It's not intimate but he hasn't really been held like this is so long and he likes it. God knows what he'll do if Tooru doesn't stop. He attempts to shrug him off but he jerking of his body makes him realize he should never consume this much wine is this little amount of time again. Now his stomach is churning. As if this night couldn't get any worse, he's going to throw up. 

All he can manage to get out is a quick, “bathroom,” before his hand is covering his mouth. 

“Down the hall! On the left!” 

He runs as fast as he can and manages to get his face into the toilet bowl before disaster strikes. He's kicking himself in the ass and regretting all of his life choices as every ounce of wine he drank violently exits his stomach. He can't remember the last time he threw up from drinking—college maybe? He's pretty sure it was with Tooru then too. When he finally gets a moment of relief, he rests his forehead in his hand and leans his back up against the nearest wall. 

“Get a little ahead of yourself?” 

Keiji hears a soft laugh above him but his head hurts too much to actually look up. Tooru must realize his discomfort because he squats down to eye level and offers Keiji a glass of room temperature water. He takes it and sips it slowly. 

“You were never the best drinker, but I remember you being better than this.” 

Keiji closes his eyes, a faint groan escaping his lips. “God, please just stop remembering things.”

“What?” His innocence knows no bounds. It's not Tooru's fault that he has a (surprisingly) good memory or that Keiji apparently can't hold liquor anymore than he can hold water. It's not even Tooru's fault that he's here—his fight with Semi lead him down this path. 

“Nothing…I'm sorry for coming over here and getting drunk and throwing up in your apartment.” 

Tooru somehow still manages to have that ridiculously chipper tone to his voice despite everything. “Happens to the best of us Keiji-chan. No worries. Can I get you some crackers or anything? Oh, I have milk bread!” 

It's Keiji’s turn to remember something—his ex’s love for milk bread. He never understood what made it so much more special than any other starch but Tooru could eat it all day without ever getting tired of it. It was as almost sickening. 

“Of course you do.”

“Don't make fun. Do you want some or not?”

“Sorry. No thank you.” 

“Do you want to lie down?” 

Keiji finally finds the strength to glance up and as tempting as that sounds, he has to shake his head. “I don't think that's a very good idea.” 

“I hope you don't think you're driving anywhere.” 

“Tooru, I have to go home.” 

He hadn't planned on going home tonight but even showing up at home drunk would probably end better for him than staying here. 

"No. You're trashed.” 

“I can't stay here.” 

“I'll drive you then.”

“No.” Semi would flip shit. He'd rather get arrested for drunk driving than that.

“Will you let me call you a cab then?”

Not a bad idea except how would he pick up his car? Couldn't ask Semi. He knows where Shouyou and Koutarou live. This isn't either of their apartment complexes…but maybe by now one of them is at least near their phone? 

“Use my phone and just call Shou or someone for a ride.” He knows if he can get someone on the phone, one of them will pick him up. They'll save him from embarrassing himself any further. The only way this could've been worse was if he'd tried to hit on Tooru. Thank God for self-control. 

Tooru disappears into the front and returns a few minutes with Keiji's phone. He passes it to him and reaches his hand out but Keiji politely waves it off. He can stand just fine and the last thing he needs is to create a sexual tension to accompany this awkward one. 

Now that the alcohol is out of his system he's fine. The nausea is gone, leaving behind a subtle drunk feeling. He can handle this. If he hadn't downed his wine so fast he probably would've been okay. 

“I'm fine but thank you. I think I'll be okay.” 

“Sorry for getting you so drunk,” Tooru frowns, his hand awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck as they make their way back to the living room. 

“You didn't force me to drink a whole bottle of wine.” 

“I could've stopped you, but I didn't.” 

He looks serious, if not ashamed and Keiji can't understand why. He got drunk. He's an adult. He should've known better. “Why? Hoping to have your way with me?” 

Even Tooru looks caught off guard but his bright red cheeks give away his embarrassment. “O-of course not.” 

“I'm flattered regardless.” One of the most desirable men in Japan wants him, but he can't get his own fiancé to touch him. How backwards is that? 

“You're drunk is what you are.” 

“That too.”

They share a long, intimate stare. It's not sexual or awkward. There's a level of understanding there that he hasn't felt in a long time. He can do things like get drunk around Tooru without being embarrassed or it ending in a fight. He doesn't have to walk on eggshells. He can be himself and not worry about whose parents are watching or what other people think. It's rare and a nice change of pace but he still shouldn't have allowed it. 

His phone ringing pulls them back into reality. He's expecting to see Shou or Koutarou’s name on the screen but it's neither, “Semi?”

He thought for sure his boyfriend was done bugging him for the night. 

“He must be downstairs. That was fast.” 

Suddenly Keiji's jaw is dropping. He's hoping that everything he's thinking is just completely wrong. Maybe he just heard Tooru wrong? “Did you call Semi to pick me up?” 

“Well technically he called you and I just answered,” Tooru clearly doesn't see a problem and why should he? Semi is his fiancé. “He’d called a few times already so I figured he was worried.”

 _The hell he was!_ If he wasn't pissed before, he was bound to be now. It’s one thing to be with Tooru, but to have Tooru answering his phone. Keiji runs his hand through his hair as if he has any time to think. He knows what's going to happen the minute he walks out of this door and none of it is going to be pleasant.

“We had a fight. Why would you answer?” 

“Keiji, you can't drive home. I didn't think a fight would outweigh your safety…Should I not have answered?” Tooru stares at Keiji skeptically and it feels as if he's looking right through him. Keiji doesn't think he's giving off any scared vibes, nothing that Tooru should be worried about. If anyone knew what was about to happen to him, they would definitely be worried. 

“No, it's fine. I just…I don't really feel like seeing him right now.”

Tooru’s eyes narrow but he brushes it off when Keiji’s phone rings again. “You should answer that. He sounded worried about you.” 

Taking a deep breath, he answers. He doesn't give Semi a chance to talk, just says that he's on his way outside. 

“Are you okay?” Tooru asks and Keiji can't quite figure out why. What about him would suggest he's even remotely okay? He's drunk. He came over here after a fight with his fiancé. Now he has to see him despite never resolving said fight. He's getting picked up from his ex’s house. How is any of this okay? 

“Yeah, I'll be fine.” 

“I can walk you?” Tooru offers but he doesn't sound as confident as he did earlier in the night. Keiji turns it down. 

“I'll be fine. I'll grab my car in the morning.” 

Tooru opens the front door for him and Keiji lingers a moment, unsure of what's an appropriate goodbye. Does he hug him? Is that too far? He’s almost too pissed to say anything at all.

“Thanks for having me. I'm sorry again for throwing up.”

“It wouldn't be the first time. You've had to take care of me quite a few times too if I remember right.” 

“Still,” Keiji laughs. “Goodnight.” He offers a slight wave before turning to walk down the hall. 

“Goodnight Keiji-chan. Take care of yourself…and you know where I live now. Don't hesitate to call.” 

*** 

Semi's hands grip so tightly at his steering wheel his knuckles turn white. It's not a matter of whether or not he's going to hurt him, just _how_? At this point, Keiji's really given up on even being scared of being hit. The anticipation of it is still a bitch though. He's just hoping he comes out of this without being choked again. After their last fight, Keiji find himself checking for his engagement ring just in case. 

The journey to his apartment seems so much longer than usual. He attributes it to the dread building up in his stomach. Semi doesn't say a word the entire ride, doesn't even look at him. His face is stern and focused on the road. To any outsider he probably looks like he's concentrating but Keiji knows that he's really just trying to hold his composure. Semi’s never been the kind of person to put his business out in the open. He likes to keep his personal business at home. Even when angry, he's always been good and holding himself together in public.

Keiji tries to mentally prepare himself watching Semi stick his key in the door. The ride didn’t completely sober him up, but he still knows how this is going to go. They'll fight. Considering the offence, Semi is surely going to hit him. He’ll leave a bruise somewhere noticeable, confining Keiji to the house—probably on purpose. He’ll come home with empty apologies and gifts for a week or until their next fight and it'll cycle all over again. 

The minute he closes the door behind him and turns around, Semi's right front of him, fist landing right between his eyes. If his head wasn't pounding before, it sure as hell is now. He doesn't even know what to say. All he can think to do is check to see if his nose is bleeding.

He's expecting Semi to yell or scream. He's expecting him to be vocal is some way but he remains quiet. Keiji’s heartbeat immediately picks up. Usually when they're alone, Semi says something. He prays the silence doesn't mean Semi is going to choke him again. 

He reaches out and Keiji tries to suck in as much air as possible just in case, but Semi doesn't grab his neck. He grabs his wrist instead and yanks, ready to pull him down the hall. Keiji resists for no other reason than instinct. He doesn’t know what Semi is planning but he’s panicking and resisting is his only option. It’s not as if he can just ask. Keiji pulls back, Semi jerks him so hard that he loses his balance. His knees cave under him and Semi’s grip tightens his wrist. He doesn't have a chance to stand before Semi is literally dragging him down the hallway. He tries to keep up but his wrist is aching under Semi’s grip, threatening to break at any second if his boyfriend keeps jerking it around the way he is. He threatened to break bones last time. Keiji guesses it doesn't matter if it's a finger or a wrist. 

When they finally reach the bedroom, Semi pulls him up only to toss him on the floor. Keiji’s wrist buckles as soon as he hits the hard ground, pain radiating through his arm almost immediately. He doesn’t think it’s broken, but surely sprained. He sits up, placing his back against the end of the bed and cradles his arm to his chest. Semi starts to pace the room back and forth. After what feels like an eternity, he crouches down to Keiji's level, placing a hand behind him on the edge of the bed so they're face to face and he finally speaks. 

“You should consider yourself lucky I'm keeping my composure right now. You have no idea how hard it is to keep myself from seriously hurting you.” 

Too late. His face will surely bruise and he knows he needs a brace for this wrist. That classifies as serious. 

“I don't give a shit where you were or who you were with earlier. Tonight, you belong to me and you're not leaving this bed unless I say. Do you understand me?” 

Keiji nods and stands slowly and carefully to not provoke Semi any further. His vision blurs as his face swells and his wrist screams with even the slightest movement. Still, he sits down on the bed and doesn't complain. He doesn't want to give Semi a reason to hurt him any further. His wrist is only sprained at the moment, but should Semi get half a mind to break it, Keiji won't be able to work for weeks. He can tough it out for the rest of the night he thinks. 

Semi gets in bed beside him but doesn't touch him or acknowledge him. He just leaves Keiji there to hold his wrist to his chest and wait for permission to leave. 

*** 

It’s almost four o’ clock the next afternoon when Keiji finally returns from the Doctor’s office with a second-degree sprain and a black brace. He’s reluctant to go, but he knows he can’t just let this go unattended. This is the first time he's ever gone to the hospital with any type of bruising so they seem to believe him when he says he fell off of a ladder. 

Semi doesn't go with him and Keiji appreciates that because things might have started to look suspicious if he did. He is there when he gets home though, doing work at the table. He glances over his shoulder but doesn't ask about the brace, so Keiji doesn't offer. He doesn't think he's going to acknowledge him at all but just as he starts to walk back Semi says, “My family want to have dinner tonight. They'll be in town in a few hours.” 

“Tonight?” 

“Yes, tonight. Be ready by eight.”

“What the hell Semi? What the fuck am I supposed to do about my face? Or my wrist?” One look at him and they're all bound to ask questions. Unlike his own parents, who know full well that Semi puts his hands on him, Semi’s own parents have no idea. It’s not as if Semi would tell on himself and Keiji isn’t sure it’s appropriate to badmouth Semi to his parents, so he’s never said anything either. 

Semi stares him up and down. “I suggest you think up a good lie.” 

Keiji wishes canceling was an option—it should be the _only_ option considering his eyes are a watercolor collage of blue and black bruises. He could use the ladder excuse again, but it's such a flimsy excuse. He's six foot tall. Why in the world was he even on a ladder in an apartment? Plus, he has to figure out the wrist thing too. 

Keiji's hand rises to massage his temples. He’ll figure out something before eight. He’ll make up something to tell him parents and everything will turn out okay. 

At least, that’s what he tells himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Feedback is always appreciated! 
> 
> The chapter title is from "When you were young" by The Killers

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the story! 
> 
> The story title comes from "I hate you, I love you" by Gnash. The chapter title comes from "We don't talk anymore" by Charlie Puth.


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